Irrational Thoughts

I’m not one to shy from danger. I’ve never been afraid to put myself in risky positions, and I’ve never backed down from a challenge. Call me courageous or call me stupid; either way I’m determined to live the heck out of my life!

I’m not concerned about traveling places that terrify most people: Africa, Israel, West bank, India, etc. This is because I carry my own needles just in case I get hurt, I know the fastest routes to the Canadian and American embassies and have my Swiss Army knife on me at all times. The rest I leave up to fate.

My mom called a few weeks ago to ask if I am scarred about North Korea keeps testing missiles so close to my home. The answer is a resounding NO, because I have a plan and I’m not afraid to use it. I thought everyone had a plan, but apparently they don’t. When I explain my plan in detail it really freaks people out. Either I need serious drugs or my friends need to buck up and figure out a plan. We live on a military base. The whole theme of the military is to be prepared. Clearly, currently, we are not Army strong.

Since nobody else did their homework, here are a few ideas I had to get you started:

PLAN A – ATTACK FROM AIR

If I see North Korean airplanes in the distance, I am going to run to the commissary and jump the fence with the help of the newspaper recycling bin. It is inappropriately close to the barbwire and provides easy access. You’re probably thinking that I won’t be able to throw Abby over the security fence. I know I can because I stood outside and threw my 20 pound weights up in the air to the same height and distance she would need to clear the barbwire on top of the fence. Easy as pie. I’m going to get cut to heck; There is no way around that. The subway station is literally two minutes away. I doubt anyone is going to ask me for ticket money while I’m bleeding all over the counter so I am hopping the gate and taking a sweet ride to Machida. Feel free to meet me there.

PLAN B – ATTACK FROM GROUND

If I see crazy North Koreans running around my military base then I am going to let the dogs loose in the house and crawl in the dog box with Abby. My Harry Potter blanket covers all four sides in an inconspicuous manner. I doubt they will come into my house after they see Gracie on high alert, but even if they do they won’t think to look in her box. Jeremy didn’t think we could all fit in there. I knew we could because I tested it out. Abby, me, Beth – fits like a glove. Once they leave I can run for at least five miles to safety with Abby in her stroller. All I need is my New Balance shoes, Under Armor workout pants and my Old Navy basic T. If they can run faster than an 11 minute mile we’re as good as dead.

PLAN C – WE ARE CAPTURED
I went ahead and researched the key rules and regulations for prisoners of war. I’m all over what I need to do to make my country proud and return with honor. Hopefully someone knows English because I’m not learning this stuff in North Korean. Don’t have a copy? Here’s the cliff notes:

I am an American fighting in the forces which guard my country and our way of life. I am prepared to give my life in their defense.

I will never surrender of my own free will. If in command, I will never surrender the members of my command while they still have the means to resist.

If I am captured I will continue to resist by all means available. I will make every effort to escape and aid others to escape. I will accept neither parole nor special favors from the enemy.

If I become a prisoner of war, I will keep faith with my fellow prisoners. I will give no information or take part in any action which might be harmful to my comrades. If I am senior, I will take command. If not, I will obey the lawful orders of those appointed over me and will back them up in every way.

When questioned, should I become a prisoner of war, I am required to give name, rank, service number, and date of birth. I will evade answering further questions to the utmost of my ability. I will make no oral or written statements disloyal to my country and its allies or harmful to their cause.

I will never forget that I am an American (Canadian!), fighting for freedom, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free. I will trust in my God and in the United States of America (and Canada!).

Being a mom means being prepared. Bring it on North Korea – I’m ready for ya!

Popsicle Princess

I try my hardest to be a healthy mom. I don't let Abby eat tons of sugar, snack all day or drink sugary juices. But lately I've been a little under the weather and eating crap myself, and it goes without saying that whatever I am eating Abby wants to eat also.

Who knew one little Popsicle could bring SO much joy!

First we screamed and clapped.

Then we flashed our 'Chiclets' teeth in the biggest smile ever.

Next we had to sit down until we got the hang of slurping the top and squeezing the middle.

Then we went 'Trailer Park Boys' with our gut hanging out and blue popsicle-stained wife beater.

Next we got the mug shot for future reference.

Next we ate it with our fingers -- sanitation be darned.

Then we mixed it up with a little on-the-side style.

Enjoy it, Abby. Sugar plus nap time plus cranky mommy equals end of popsicles.

Say it isn't so! This serious look says -- don't even kid with me!

Reality Check

Here are some of my drug-induced random thoughts six days post-op.

Clearly, I needed a reality check. If you read my blog "Rhino Rockets" it sounded like I had a pretty good idea of what this surgery was and how I was going to feel. Not even close. In fact, that would be the exact opposite of where I find myself currently.

There was no point in downloading any media, as I spend most of the time staring into space and drooling an equal mixture of blood and slime down the front of my workout clothes. I've watched the same episode of Private Practice three times (each time was like watching it new), I've been playing the same game of Sudoku for six days (just can't seem to make the letters go in the right boxes) and read the same chapter over and over in the first book I opened up. And, to make it even more pathetic, it's a children's book. I should have had the whole thing read in three hours.

I didn't experience any teeth numbness, but I did score a totally hot rash when my body had an allergic reaction to Amoxicillin. I swear I've had that crap like 10 times without a problem. The rash started at my knee caps and ended under my armpits. The main rashy-goodness was centered on my stomach.

Here's a snapshot of the joy:

I've learned to the love the sweet reassuring taste of my friend, Roxicet. I'll take it straight up from the bottle, from a syringe, even from the plastic cup. It doesn't matter where it comes from, only that it shows up every four hours on the dot. You know it's going to be bad when they give you 50 doses. I caught Abby trying to lick some out of the plastic cup I used last night. Needless to say, I already licked the plastic cup clean. She is such an addict.

Here she is taunting me with my saving grace:

Three times I day I get to shoot some salty water up my nose to clear the dried blood out of my nose tubes so I can breathe. Usually it pushes so much bloody snot down my throat that I end up coughing out my mouth in the sink. Salty water plus gaping holes in my throat where raw tonsils used to be equals more Roxicet. That's right -- be jealous.

Here is am shooting water in my rad tubes:

I have plastic in my nose. I'm just that cool.

Here is a gross shot of the puss and slime covering the back of my throat. I took this picture on day 3. It's WAY worse now.

This is where I spend my days. Normally the Abbster and the dogs aren't here, but they didn't want to miss the photo op. Abby is taking a swing at the Sudoku puzzle. She'd probably do it faster than me at this point.

Gracie and Beth can both smell all the dried blood around my face and occasionally I wake up to them trying to lick my wounds clean. What caring, loving pooches.

After this photo was taken, Abby tried to stand up and her head smashed me right in the throat, which was less painful than yesterday when she lost her balance and grabbed my nose to steady herself

Can you tell I've lost more weight? I'm averaging about a pound a day. I'm now down to 181.5!

Stay tuned for Monday when they rip the plastic tubes out of my nose. Maybe I'll bring my video camera :)

Rhino Rockets

Since I started running I have been some problems breathing. My body feels great but I just can’t catch my breath and keep it level and even. Everyone was telling me that I should breathe through my nose and out through my mouth but that made me incredibly dizzy, which isn’t great when you’re running by yourself in a nearly-abandoned military base.

So I went and saw the doctor and he noticed the problem right away -- I have a deviated septum, which means I can only breathe effectively from one side of my nose. No wonder why I felt like passing out. I also have gross tonsils that get infected every year. And, last but not least, my terbinates need to be shaved back so that I have more room in my nose. It’s all about shaving a little off the bones.

Monday morning I’m going to be heading into surgery to get the above problems fixed. Sweet joy!

FIVE FUN THINGS ABOUT THIS SURGERY….

Become BFF with Media
I’ve already downloaded season five Lost, season two Private Practice, season three of The Unit, season three of Brothers & Sisters, plus I borrowed books, books, and more books. I’m totally ready to curl up in bed and rest the week away.

Playing Guess Where the Blood is Coming From
The doctor said that I will bleed from both my nose and my throat. I should be concerned if I have intense bleeding from either; although with the combination of two surgeries I should have more bleeding than the average person. Hint: since my nose should heal faster than my throat, it should ooze and bleed a brown color, while my throat will bleed a pink/red color.

Daddy Daycare
Jeremy took off a week and a half to help me with Abby and be at both my surgeries. He is so excited. I am so happy to have such a wonderful, compassionate and helpful husband.

Dropping Some LBS
Nothing says dieting like a 10 day low-cal liquid diet.

Hospital Goodness
Airy robes, room service, complimentary toiletries – the hospital is nothing but a poor man’s Ritz Carleton.

FIVE BAD THINGS ABOUT THIS SURGERY….

Numbness
Apparently I won’t be able to feel my teeth for a month after my surgery, which I guess is better than feeling pain in my teeth. I have no idea why since I’m having nothing done to them. Tis the joy of medical mysteries.

Sporting the Rhino Rocket Nose Tampons
Enough said.

No Exercising
I’m a little bit terrified that my body will forget that I’ve been working my butt off and I’ll have to start from scratch again after I heal. It took me a LONG time to teach myself how to run, and even LONGER to learn to like it. Ugh. I hope all the liquid doesn’t pool in my behind and give me jiggle buns.

Keeping Distance from Abby
Abby is in a slapping/hitting phase, which could get pretty painful if she hauls off and slugs me anywhere near my face. It’s all fun and games until she pulls out the Rhino Rockets while I’m buzzing on the Percocet. We’re going to need a little space until I get my act together.

The Round Two
What goes in must eventually come out. I’m totally not looking forward to the splints and tampons exiting my nasal cavity, which my doctor kindly pointed out is going to be incredibly painful for a brief moment. Then I get more drugs.

***Drugs: Just say heck YES.***

Waterworks

We can never visit Sagamihara Park enough. The petting zoo is tremendous fun and the open space is divine. Goodness knows I'd live there if they let me.

Abby looking thoughtful
A few months ago she was afraid of this horse, but now she would have crawled into his cage if I let her.

She was fascinated by this peacock. We literally spent 10 minutes gawking at it. The cheeky bird wouldn't show her his feathers.

Abby still hates the guinea pigs. Some things never change.

Perfect pigs

This lazy raccoon cracked me up! All it needs is some shades, a sandy beach and an umbrella.

Abby thought she would outsmart the fountain and crawl underneath the spout to stay dry.

But then she got up too fast and it sprayed her right in the face.

A very wet Abby

Happy days are here again!

Who's exhausted?

Uneo

A few weeks ago we went to Ueno Zoo with Maryl to celebrate Ashley's birthday. It was well worth the trip to Tokyo.

Ashley standing in front of the Uneo Zoo map.
A grey birdy thing.
Flamingos

A giraffe

A cute polar bear

A depressed monkey

Rhino-licious

Calum, Maryl and Tate

Giggles with the birthday girl

Just monkeying around

Straight up Jurassic Park goodness

It was all fun and games until Abby became the most sought after animal in the zoo. The following pictures show the slow and steady steps into chaos.

First she was spotted by two school girls as she attempted to kick it with the zebra.

Then they called over their friends for a meet and great.

Then the touching and photo shoot began.

Next came the encircling, curl touching, claustrophobic smiling.

Cue mad dash to safety.

Face-to-face with a gorilla

Taming the wild beasts

Tate and Abby

Abby laughing at Maryl

Random Japanese children coming in for a snapshot with the American animals.