Irrational Thoughts

I’m not one to shy from danger. I’ve never been afraid to put myself in risky positions, and I’ve never backed down from a challenge. Call me courageous or call me stupid; either way I’m determined to live the heck out of my life!

I’m not concerned about traveling places that terrify most people: Africa, Israel, West bank, India, etc. This is because I carry my own needles just in case I get hurt, I know the fastest routes to the Canadian and American embassies and have my Swiss Army knife on me at all times. The rest I leave up to fate.

My mom called a few weeks ago to ask if I am scarred about North Korea keeps testing missiles so close to my home. The answer is a resounding NO, because I have a plan and I’m not afraid to use it. I thought everyone had a plan, but apparently they don’t. When I explain my plan in detail it really freaks people out. Either I need serious drugs or my friends need to buck up and figure out a plan. We live on a military base. The whole theme of the military is to be prepared. Clearly, currently, we are not Army strong.

Since nobody else did their homework, here are a few ideas I had to get you started:

PLAN A – ATTACK FROM AIR

If I see North Korean airplanes in the distance, I am going to run to the commissary and jump the fence with the help of the newspaper recycling bin. It is inappropriately close to the barbwire and provides easy access. You’re probably thinking that I won’t be able to throw Abby over the security fence. I know I can because I stood outside and threw my 20 pound weights up in the air to the same height and distance she would need to clear the barbwire on top of the fence. Easy as pie. I’m going to get cut to heck; There is no way around that. The subway station is literally two minutes away. I doubt anyone is going to ask me for ticket money while I’m bleeding all over the counter so I am hopping the gate and taking a sweet ride to Machida. Feel free to meet me there.

PLAN B – ATTACK FROM GROUND

If I see crazy North Koreans running around my military base then I am going to let the dogs loose in the house and crawl in the dog box with Abby. My Harry Potter blanket covers all four sides in an inconspicuous manner. I doubt they will come into my house after they see Gracie on high alert, but even if they do they won’t think to look in her box. Jeremy didn’t think we could all fit in there. I knew we could because I tested it out. Abby, me, Beth – fits like a glove. Once they leave I can run for at least five miles to safety with Abby in her stroller. All I need is my New Balance shoes, Under Armor workout pants and my Old Navy basic T. If they can run faster than an 11 minute mile we’re as good as dead.

PLAN C – WE ARE CAPTURED
I went ahead and researched the key rules and regulations for prisoners of war. I’m all over what I need to do to make my country proud and return with honor. Hopefully someone knows English because I’m not learning this stuff in North Korean. Don’t have a copy? Here’s the cliff notes:

I am an American fighting in the forces which guard my country and our way of life. I am prepared to give my life in their defense.

I will never surrender of my own free will. If in command, I will never surrender the members of my command while they still have the means to resist.

If I am captured I will continue to resist by all means available. I will make every effort to escape and aid others to escape. I will accept neither parole nor special favors from the enemy.

If I become a prisoner of war, I will keep faith with my fellow prisoners. I will give no information or take part in any action which might be harmful to my comrades. If I am senior, I will take command. If not, I will obey the lawful orders of those appointed over me and will back them up in every way.

When questioned, should I become a prisoner of war, I am required to give name, rank, service number, and date of birth. I will evade answering further questions to the utmost of my ability. I will make no oral or written statements disloyal to my country and its allies or harmful to their cause.

I will never forget that I am an American (Canadian!), fighting for freedom, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free. I will trust in my God and in the United States of America (and Canada!).

Being a mom means being prepared. Bring it on North Korea – I’m ready for ya!