Not Going to Happen

** I have no idea why the spacing on this blog is so crazy. I think it's because I wrote it over time in a variety of different programs. Ugh. I hate technology.

A friend of mine recently wrote a parenting book. I know; I have super cool friends. Jeremy and I were joking that I should write a book as well because I’ve got the worlds best behaved, intelligent, and spiritual offspring. Right?

Then reality hit -- ain’t never gonna happen. Here are 10 chapters any reputable publishing company would never print.

1. Be Like Iran

I hold Abby’s vitamins hostage when I want her to speed up getting ready for bedtime. Nothing says “you’re making me angry” like giving your own kid scurvy or early-onset osteoporosis.

This also works in the mornings with a bag of gummy bears instead of vitamins. Step one: open the snack-sized bag. Step two: start eating them super slowly until she gets fully dressed and on her bike. Step three: give her the leftovers, wipe away the tears, and part with a gentle reminder to “put a step on it” tomorrow.

2. I Put My Trust in Thee, Oh Helmet

For me, having my child wear a helmet lead me to make some daredevil parenting choices. Sure you can hold your brother on the couch; he has a helmet. Can he go down the slide by himself? Why not? He has a helmet. Can he move from the couch to the coffee table by himself? Let’s try it out; he has a helmet!

I’ve become the mean helicopter parent again with the absence of the helmet. I won’t let him do anything like a regular responsible parent. His life is currently separated by PRE-H (pre-helmet) and POST-H (post helmet). The PRE-H = the good old days.

Every kid should get to wear a helmet. Even if they don't need it, it’s worth asking for one just in case you want to take your kid sledding when they are teeny tiny infants. They can, you know, if they’ve got a helmet.

This tender moment would never have happened without a helmet:

 

3. Leaping Lizards

Abby got obsessed with the movie Annie about six months ago. She watched it every single day. It literally became the soundtrack of my life.

I have to admit that I hadn’t watched it in a while and I was a little shocked at the content -- the drunk and abusive ‘mom’, Annie punching boys, the skanky brother-in-law’s wife, the inappropriate language, the terrifying part at the end where they try to rip Annie off the ladder and throw her to her death, the underlying political message that Democrats were bad, etc. Not to mention, the racially insensitive way they portray Punjab. All that being said, it was only when she started calling me Miss. Hannigan did I think to ban the movie for a few more years. That and she knew WAY too much about Bolsheviks for a three-year-old.

Hopefully “the sun’ll come out tomorrow”, but I wouldn’t “bet your bottom dollar” on it. Whatever the crap that means. Maybe Abby can explain it to me while we’re watching The Sound of Music. Nuns falling in love with engaged officers while secretly making plans to evade the nazis -- sounds like it’s right up her alley.

4. Sophie’s Choice

I knew when I bought Abby the bouncy ball at the grocery store that it was going to equal trouble, but I let her have it anyway because I’m a sucker for check-out line tantrums.

Our Kaufland store has a top-of-the-line magnetic escalator that ensures your cart won’t crash all the way to the bottom as you wait to move from the top floor to the basement. The cart had just magnetized to the escalator when Abby pulled out her ball and began throwing it up in the air and catching it. We were still near the top when it bounced up to the beginning of the escalator and rolled back to the doors of the store. Abby begins to run up the down escalator and eats it right where the moving steps meet the not-moving sidewalk -- otherwise known as the spot where kids put their fingers and lose them/ or their clothing gets sucked in and they suffocate to death. She is now crawling on her hands and knees trying to stay at the top of the escalator and make it over the gap to get to her ball.

So now I have two choices: I can (A) run back to the top of the stairs and rescue Abby and then make it back to the cart (which is holding Ollie inside) before it demagnetizes at the bottom and crashes into the wall right in front of it, or I can (B) hope that Abby doesn’t get caught in the escalator gears while I wait for the escalator to go all the way down (ensuring Ollie’s safety) and then ride it back up to get Abby.

Well, Ollie has a helmet. I run as fast as I can up the down escalator, grab Abby, and then run the race of my life to the bottom of the escalator and catch the cart just as it demagnetizes. SUPER MOM. I was pretty proud of my life-saving accomplishment.

A nice lady pointed out that I just could have hit the stop button, which was right beside me, and saved myself all the hassle. She also pointed out that kids shouldn’t play with toys on escalators. Thanks for the two-minute-too late advice, grandma.

5. Permission to Drink

Last year, I had one of the worst mom scares of my life. I was taking a shower and Abby was playing on the carpet in the bathroom. She asked if she could drink her milk. Who is going to say no to that, especially when I knew she had a bottle right outside the door of the bathroom. Unfortunately, looking back in time, I’m pretty sure she asked if she could drink her medicine, which was in the fridge. Well, she did. Nearly half the stinking bottle. It’s all fun and games until your kid does exactly what you tell them to. She was so proud that she brought the empty amoxicillin container up to show me.

I did what any Zavitz offspring does -- I called my Aunt Libby, who was on vacation. I had no idea what the poison control or emergency numbers were for Germany so I called the embassy. They talked it over with the doctor on call there. It turns out Abby was in the clear. Good to know for next time.

6. I’m Calling It

Ollie was a car screamer. Every time we got in the car he would scream and scream and scream and SCREAM until we stopped. It was literally unbearable. Just thinking of it now gives me the chills.

About month four Abby had enough. In a brief moment of quietness - I’m sure he was preparing for another nails-on-the-chalkboard-scream -- Abby leans over and whispered so quietly, “Oliver, you are being so stupid.” Like a raging sociopath, she gave him a brief smile and went back to watching Dora. Good moms would probably use that as a teaching moment. Bad moms smile at their kids in the rearview mirror and get them an ice cream cone at McDonalds. Because sometimes you‘ve got to call it as you see it. And that deserved an Amen.

7. Mr. Wolf

Abby is never going to be able to tell time because sometimes when we play hide and seek I count to ten and then check my facebook page for a minute or two. I always go back to counting eventually,  starting somewhere in the 51 range. That game is really not very fun anyway because this is what happens:

Denise: Mommy’s looking for her Abby.

Abby: I’m behind the couch.

Denise: I wonder where she could be.

Abby: I’m behind the couch.

Denise: I think I heard her go into the living room.

Abby: I’m behind the couch.

Denise: I found you!

Abby: Let’s do it again. Go away so I can hide behind the couch.

Denise: 1, 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 -- Face book -- 51,52,53..... look behind couch. Repeat.

8. Sweet point-adding milk.

For those of you who have ever done the WW points program you know how important each point is to the person dieting. I only get 24 of them a day, so if you take one away then you lose out on a whole lot of food. But if you breastfeed you get 12 extra points. I know there are a ton of great reasons to breastfeed, and I loved doing it, but I totally did it for two extra months for dieting purposes. I knocked out 35 pounds in four months last year. That’s Biggest Loser numbers. Thank you, Ollie!

9. Is Three Times Really a Charm?

You know you have serious issues when you make a list on whether or not you want to have a third child and include these items on the pro list:

• My mother-in-law will come and deep clean my house and redo all my gardens.
• Two years of no fasting
• Three children puts us on the house-mandatory list so the government can no longer offer us apartments as a housing option when we move.
• People at church will stop giving us the crazy eye because we only have two children.
• Extra breastfeeding points!

10. Prim and Proper

Everything in my house is always perfectly centered and organized to a fault. Everything has a place and you better believe everyone who lives here knows where that place is. Even Abby’s toys are sorted -- and placed in ziplock bags -- to ensure that nothing is lost or mixed together. I’m pretty hardcore and now she is as well.

I love when her friends come to play and she INSISTS they put away whatever they were playing with before they take another toy. I’ve even seen her reorganize items they put away haphazardly. She always puts her utensils in the sink and her outdoor clothes on the hook by the door. She expects her friends will do the same and will quickly give them the “what’s up” should they bring their I-get-to-do-whatever-I-want-at-my-house-attitude over here. She’s like a regular Mary Poppins, without the spoonful of sugar. What more could a mother wish for?

The End.

By Denise -- you know you aren’t a perfect parent either -- Robertson